Her Knight in Shining Reins
by shoulderbread
Summary: A ridiculous parody of the hilarious game "My Horse Prince".(I might delete this because it's really retarded and weird)


**-jjtheballoongurl has logged on-**

 **HoleSniffr69: Why did you stop writing! WHY!WHY!WHY! I've killed so many people because you stop writing! I can't believe you! Disappoint...!**

 **ILikePillows: *anger fart***

 **GoergiaOQueef: ALL YOU DO IS SCREAM AT A SCREEN FOR VEIWS AND MONEY! I HATE YOU!11!1!1!111**

 **GoergiaOQueef: Oops, looks like I'm on the wrong thing. Meant to be on PewDiePie channel.**

 **...**

 **CONTINUEING!**

 **xX80sWantsMulletBackXx: *shakes head disapprovingly***

 **IHaveCrabs: I use to respect you, but now I don't. #BESTBURN2017**

 **SurferDood: NALU IS A GIANT PURPLE MONSTER THAT PUUPS! IM A SURFR DOOD THAT NEEDZ MOONAY FO CHILED SOPURT BICASE I HAF 500 KIDREN! ALSO BARNY PADE ME TOOO TILL** **U** **THAS! I DID IT FO MY 700 CHIDREN ON CHILD SUPURT! ALSO I SHIP GRAYLU.**

 **FecesOBrian: Dude, learn how to spell seriously...**

 **SurferDood: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

 **IntenseKarl: *throws and flips everything in sight* ARE YOU SEEING THIS JJ! HUH?! HUH!?HUH!? THIS IS WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU IF YOU DONT START WRITING AGAIN! *flip table and body slams it***

 ***GIANORMAS EXPLOSION OF FIRE***

 **jjtheballoongurl: I have heard the voices of my non existent fans, and I will answer their prayers! I've come back with a blessing... The blessing of my shit stories!**

 **jjtheballoongurl: Hey buttholes! I'm back with a story for ya'll! Well, the truth is I was bored, and scary things happen when I'm bored...**

 **Reminder of how scary things can get:** s/11704559/1/Fairy-Tail

 **-HehHeh, moving on!**

 **I made this as a joke, and none of the content should ever be taken seriously. I was inspired to make this short story from the review section on the App Store, and soon found myself writing it down. It turned out pretty damn good, and I thought my loyal fans would like to read it.**

Everyday was the same...

The same plaid couch...

The same 5 gallon jug of cheese balls...

The same stupid reality T.V show that came on every day. All day...

I was at an unattractive weight of 276 pounds. I had a mustache that circled around my mouth and went all the way down to the fat on my neck that seemed as if it were melting off my face. The mustache and beard were made up entirely of acne from missing my face hole when I threw greasy food at it. My face is rounded, my eyes, nose, and mouth are bunched up in the center of my spherical face. My fingers and hair are eternally greasy. My hair is an unidentifiable color, thin and scraggly like a stoner, and evident years of going unbrushed.

My mom came up to me one moist afternoon. And instead of being kind and understanding like a mother with a tub of lard child should be, kicked my ass out the door, and squeezed me into her gross Mini Cooper, that smelled of poop...

I took up the whole backseat, tears clouded my already bad vision. I blink them out of my beady eyes, and I watched the minimum wage apartments roll by as my "mom"(If that's even her real name!) drove over an old man who's name I once knew, but then forgot from disinterest...

I couldn't hold back the intense pain that weighed down my heart (attack). I began tto ugly cry into a crusty disease ridden blanket, I cried for hours... I wouldn't stop... I _couldn't_ stop... Not even when I got a headache from the unnoticed mold on the old fraying blanket that I foolishly dove my chubby face into.

 _Countless Hours Later..._

I awake to the smell of sh*t. All I can see is blackness, and all I can feel is the mysterious crust of the equally mysterious blanket. My face stings from the crying.. But also from the flakes of crust sliced deep into my potato. (Oops, meant to say face.. For some reason I typed potato. Weird..)

My ears ached from my own pig-like wails. The shards of crust sinking deeper into the thick layer of fat that coats my featureless face. I shakily lift my mighty head and begin to yank them out one by one, letting out shrieks that would be easily mistaken as a banshee's. My unthoughtful mother pays no attention to her hurting daughter, and runs over yet another innocent pedestrian.

I lifted myself, my fat jiggling uncontrollably. My eyes emerged from the backseat window to see nothing but farm lands and never ending fences. My pupils dilated like a naked wombat in heat, and I wheeled my potato, my neck fat swinging like a hammock and my body following suit. My eyes bore into the back of my mother's balding unwashed matted unbrushed/uncombe- (I think we get it, Jesus...) until her bulging nightmarish eyes turned around to greet me and sent me flying, my chicken wings flapping.

It's been awhile since I've seen this cursed woman's face, and she must have known that. Deciding to strike at the most vulnerable, unexpected, and most in opportune of times. Clever girl...

I gather my senses and straighten my hopelessly wrinkled, stained, and battered polo that McDonald's let me keep after they fired me. They really wanted me to throw it in the dumpster on my way out, but I kept it just to spite them.

My mom was going an unnatural speed of what felt like 500mph, the plastic shell on the outside of the car making a loud racket. The deep browns and crisp greens of the grass, trees, and plants merged as the countryside blurred. I look away from the dizzying movement, and caught sight of a hitchhiker through the windshield. A few moments later I hear a dull thud, and a shrieky hillbilly laugh following after.

"Serves em' right for getting in my way...He-hee!"

I only caught half of what my mom had incoherently babbled, but just enough to know who she had run over. With my eyes narrowed I watch as my mother runs her chunky uneven fingernails through her thinning hair, each finger comb leaving ample strands of rust colored hair attached to her jagged yellowed fingernails. I felt vomit push up my throat as I watched flakes fly about chaotically when she started to vigorously scratch at her pointed head. I gulped down the bitter taste, and adverted my eyes from the scarring sight.

My mother stopped abruptly, slamming on the brakes with a deafening shriek. My forehead hits the back of my mother's headrest, releasing a puff of air from the old thing and letting out a deadly fart smell.

My mother pays no attention to the stank of ass and grabs me by the hair, opens the door and throws me out. The skeletal woman who had picked my up with ease just moments before, revved her engine. The hood bounced open letting out an unpleasant odor and slammed back down with a wincing clank. She swiveled the car around, letting out labored grunts and leaving black tire marks on the heated asphalt until she faced the direction they had come from. She then blew exhaust in my potato and skidded away, cackling like a witch as she drove away in that dumpster of a car. I coughed and wheezed, the exhaust stinging my eyes.

I rub my aching skull where a patch of hair had been removed violently from my scalp. The dry dirt that had trailed behind my so called mom left clouds of it floating through the air. I feel myself grow tense as the gravity of the situation started to push down on me. I felt like I was slowly being drained, like letting out bath water and all there's left is your disgusting toenails. I'm those toenails...

I gasp, sucking the polluted air into my piehole greedily and placing an anything but dainty hand onto my heaving chest. The reality had sank in, seeping through my gaping pores and weighing me down.

"I'm those toenails! I'm those disgusting toenails that are left in your bathtub to rot away alone!"

The word " _alone"_ bounced around in my watermelon of a head, like the logo on the T.V that would bounce from side to side, and corner to corner and never stop. I wrap my stubby arms around myself, rubbing my chubby hands alongside my cushy arms, as if trying to wipe the goosebumps clean off. Tears start to stream down my flushed face, coming to the realization that there was no easy cheese... Or hope now that I think about it. Until I see a sparkly speck of hope through my tears and gathered dust that drifted in front of me... Through the window of disturbed dirt I see a beautiful and sparkly face, attached to an equally and elegant neck. His dark brown sparkly hair swished and caught the sunlight in its glossy locks, as he thrashed the carrot in his mouth with passion, craning his abnormally long llama neck.

I was drawn to him.. To his mental patient movements... To the unnatural bend of his limbs... My eyes move up and down his sculpted and sexy body, wanting to take in every part of him..(calm down, Jesus woman..) I walked toward him, reaching out with my cocktail sausage fingers... And before I knew it we were both thudding with open arms and legs in a field and towards each other's embrace... He pulled me closer and closer to him like a magnet... Slow motion stops abruptly for me to trip unsexily. My face falling deep into a cow pie. Its tempature strangely hot. My prince runs toward me with that expressionless face and offers his hoof, I take it and he pulls me into his warmth. He then lifts my chin so our eyes bore into each other's, "So..." He trails off, and all I can do is look expectantly into his dreamy forest green eyes.

"Will you be my owner?"

I melt at the sound of his words and I scream yes with a deep blush. I didn't even hesitate.

We then galloped into the sunset on our treadmills, flopping our necks about as we gobble down carrots. Every time we do this, our bonds grow stronger.

We don't ever have to worry, because the dog person is always buying new treadmills and carrots. Real ones.

Yuuma has turned my life around, he has motivated me to lose 173 pounds. We are know living happily on our ranch, giving each other our all every day that we're together, which is everyday.

I've given all of myself to him. All my heart, all my strength, and all of my holes... he fills my holes... the gaping holes... in my heart...

 **Authors Notes:**

 **jjtheballoongurl: Just a reminder, this was just a joke. It's not like my fantasy or anything... *laughs nervously* But seriously, it's not.**

 **Anywho (whatever anywho means), please leave a comment/private message if you have any questions or suggestions. I love to hear what you weirdos think of my writing. Don't spare my feeling k? Because I can never get better without your critique!**

 **Have a horrible day! ~(Ov O)~**

 **-jjtheballoongurl has logged out-**


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